Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
