I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
