1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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