i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.