oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize