So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
