Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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