Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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