You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.