Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.