she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
