I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
