Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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