Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My vagina is officially offended.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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