so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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