I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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