chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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