i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
