It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You dont lie about slip and slides
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
