we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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