oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
