she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
PANTIES FOUND
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