ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
