Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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