Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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