I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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