when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
barbara walters just said penis...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
