I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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