guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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