I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I love you. Go after that dick
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
