I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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