Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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