I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
