I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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