NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
