My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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