i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
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I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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