That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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