Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
