I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
