I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
