when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
