I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
