Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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