My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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