o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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