Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
