Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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