wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
