yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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