It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
