dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
