happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
