im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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