Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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