So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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