My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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